Never Quite Right

There is a particular exhaustion that comes from never quite meeting the standard. Not a standard set by a specific person, the one that moves. The one that adjusts just as you are about to reach it. The one that says: yes, but. Too much or too little. Too loud or too quiet. Too ambitious or not ambitious enough. Too emotional or too cold. Speak up and you are aggressive. Stay quiet and you are weak. Take up space and you are difficult. Shrink and you disappear. The standard is not designed to be met. It is designed to keep you adjusting. This is not a personal failing. It is a structure. And naming it is the first thing. Recognise the voice The voice that says you are too much, or not enough, often sounds like your own. But trace it back and you will usually find it belongs to someone else. Maybe a parent, a school, a relationship, a culture. It was handed to you, and at some point you picked it up and started carrying it as if it were your own verdict on yourself. When you hear it, ask: whose voice is this actually? When did I first hear it? Is this something I believe, or something I was taught to believe? Name the specific standard being applied Not enough according to whom, and for what? Too emotional by whose measure? Too ambitious for which room you happen to be in? A woman who was told she was too intense by a boyfriend who felt threatened by her is not too intense. A woman told she was not maternal enough by a mother-in-law with her own agenda is not failing at motherhood. The specific source of the standard matters. Most of the time, when you look directly at it, it does not hold up. Stop auditing yourself in real time One of the most exhausting habits is the running self-assessment: the constant monitoring of how you are coming across, how you are being received, whether you are getting the balance right. This is energy that belongs to you and is being spent on managing other people's perceptions. Practice noticing when you are doing it. Not to stop it immediately, that takes time, but to see it. The noticing creates a small gap between you and the habit. Find the rooms where you are not too much They exist. The people who find your intensity interesting rather than threatening. The friendships where you do not have to manage yourself down. The work where what you bring is exactly what is needed. If you cannot find them, that is information about the rooms you are in, not about you. You were not made to be calibrated. You are particular, which is a more specific and more interesting thing than any standard can accommodate. The work is not to meet the standard. The work is to stop believing the standard applies to you.